Hmmm, who should I write this to, I've already written to one in an earlier post, I have something I would like to say to most of them really, like I'd like ask Andy why he neglected to let me know that he had no intention of returning from New Zealand and why he just stopped emailing me back. I'd like to know who the hell the other Andy thinks he was not only doing all the other evil things mentioned in the previous post, but also cheating on me and leaving me with a massive debt, and I'd like to know why Kyle is still pumping himself full of drugs which are no doubt gonna kill him sooner or later. But anyway, because of today, I think I'd really like to write to Darryll. So....
Dear Darryll
It was actually good chatting to you today, I appreciated that you came round and didn't start just putting me down, or making me feel bad like you did so many times in the last few months. I am sorry that I have moved on faster than you, not because I'm not happy, because I am, but I just don't want you to think that I didn't consider you to be important to me, you took two years of my life, I will always care for you, and you will always be important in some way, and I saw your eyes when we spoke, I know you still have feelings for me, if not still love me. I hold no bitterness anymore, I know you regret what you did, as do I, for as much as I knew I wasn't happy anymore, I shouldn'tve handled it the way I did, but I did the only way I felt I could, and I'm sorry. I have to say though, I never lied to you, even if I didn't tell you everything. I know you noticed that I stopped saying 'I love you'. That's because I stopped meaning it, I couldn't say it just to try and make things easy, that would have been unfair on both of us, I hated myself everytime you said it and I simply answered with 'I know', or 'yes'. Nothing you ever did could hurt me more than that. But at least I was true to myself.
You looked good, you had obviously made more of an effort that I think I had ever seen in the time together, I could tell you were taking better care of yourself, and I don't know whether it was for my benefit or not, but I could tell you'd made more of an effort in what you wearing tonight.
I do hope that you find someone who is more suited to you than me, you have alot to give, I can't ever say that I didn't feel loved, I did, but I hope you learnt from me that you need to channel the way that you show someone better. I hope it doesn't take you to long, you deserve to be happy. Next time you tell people things like the idea of marrying, or living with someone doesn't scare you, why don't you take that big leap and prove it, I'm glad you didn't with me, it would have made things harder. You need to make a move to move out of caths spare bedroom when you next find someone, no matter how much I loved you, I couldn'tve coped with that much longer, it was like a prison. And remember, don't ever buy a girl a ring until that ring hold that resonance, you said many times that you wanted to buy me a ring, and I always asked you to never buy one. I have an intelligent head on my shoulders, a fair few ladies I know feel the same. Bless you, you can be niave at times.
Anyway, enough rambling on........enjoy amsterdam, and enjoy your life, and I hope one day we can be friends.
Emer
and btw, I send my wishes for your folks, I know its hard, but chin up, and I hope everything works out
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Day 34: Your favourite quote
ooooooooo, this is a hard-y, I am the quote queen. I love quotes, I make posters with them, I advertise with them, live by them, and use them, often. My favourite is this
'it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live'
its by Dumbledore in the Philosopher's Stone. It's a good one, it doesn't do anyone good to ponder or think to much and not just do things, wasting precious time. I've been doing that way too much of late,I hate myself for it.
I have loads more in the quote bin that is my brain
'the only difference between tattooed people and non tattooed people is, that tattooed people don't care that you have no tattoos'
'risk everything, fear nothing'
and I don't care what anyone says, I do stand by this from Marilyn Monroe
'I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure....I make mistakes. I am out of control..and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best'
Because to me it means, that I'm not always going to be perfect and happy, I know myself to be sometimes selfish, I do make mistakes, I don't trust anyone, I put up walls, I cry, I hide and deny things exist, including me, I am insecure, I can be demanding, I sometimes do or say the wrong thing, or do or say nothing when I should have done something, but if someone cant take the worst of me, then they really don't deserve the best of me, I come as a package, rough with the smooth, I'll take all your faults if you'll take mine, but I'm sure as hell that I more than make up suffering me at my worst, by being my best the rest of the time.
and because I just like to right about stuff, I've had quite an ok day today, first day on the new job wasn't so bad, the people were nice enough, the horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach ebbed away abit, and I came out looking hotter than I went in if I do say so myself :) got a few wolf whistles on my way home, ha.
'it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live'
its by Dumbledore in the Philosopher's Stone. It's a good one, it doesn't do anyone good to ponder or think to much and not just do things, wasting precious time. I've been doing that way too much of late,I hate myself for it.
I have loads more in the quote bin that is my brain
'the only difference between tattooed people and non tattooed people is, that tattooed people don't care that you have no tattoos'
'risk everything, fear nothing'
'I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure....I make mistakes. I am out of control..and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best'
Because to me it means, that I'm not always going to be perfect and happy, I know myself to be sometimes selfish, I do make mistakes, I don't trust anyone, I put up walls, I cry, I hide and deny things exist, including me, I am insecure, I can be demanding, I sometimes do or say the wrong thing, or do or say nothing when I should have done something, but if someone cant take the worst of me, then they really don't deserve the best of me, I come as a package, rough with the smooth, I'll take all your faults if you'll take mine, but I'm sure as hell that I more than make up suffering me at my worst, by being my best the rest of the time.
and because I just like to right about stuff, I've had quite an ok day today, first day on the new job wasn't so bad, the people were nice enough, the horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach ebbed away abit, and I came out looking hotter than I went in if I do say so myself :) got a few wolf whistles on my way home, ha.
Monday, 1 August 2011
i wish.....
I'd listened to what you said better, because each time I have to relive it, it still makes no sense
my monday....
all things considered today has been quite a nice day. I made a new friend, well, I made a better friend of an existing one. He took me out for a drink and let me offload, I needed to, and I needed perspective, and brutal honesty, it was good. I've also been and had a nosey in the salon, wow that place needs an overhaul, the stock room is a dump, the reception has a layer of dust that things could live in and the windows are bare, I love organising, its gonna take me a week or so to get into it, but it'll be running smooth as my skin (teehee) in no time at all. I'm nervous as hell, however, I know I am gonna love it. Gonna be wierd having a job thow.
I plucked up the courage to speak to dad about what I want to do, he said, its my money and I can do what I want, so contacting the clinic tonight and will get the ball rolling, maybe for october, I need to have worked in the salon a couple of months before I take 10 days off.
Oh and it absolutely bucketed it down around 7pm, I sat and listened to it for ages until it died down, and then when it got worse again, I put my shorts on and went and just stood in it, and felt the droplets run over my bare skin, it was cold, invigorating and just felt amazing. I span around on the spot a few times, then did some hula hooping, which is really hard in the rain, but being so wet and playing like that made me feel really sexy. I love the rain so much,
I love the look of my skin in the rain, I love my hair when its hanging round my face, soaking. Im sat here right now blogging in a soaking wet vest, dripping hair and droplets all over my shoulders, I feel ace....I feel fearless. I would never usually just stand in it alone, I would want to go walking in it with someone, because on my own I feel stupid, but not today.
So many simple things that have made the day good. but remember
I plucked up the courage to speak to dad about what I want to do, he said, its my money and I can do what I want, so contacting the clinic tonight and will get the ball rolling, maybe for october, I need to have worked in the salon a couple of months before I take 10 days off.
Oh and it absolutely bucketed it down around 7pm, I sat and listened to it for ages until it died down, and then when it got worse again, I put my shorts on and went and just stood in it, and felt the droplets run over my bare skin, it was cold, invigorating and just felt amazing. I span around on the spot a few times, then did some hula hooping, which is really hard in the rain, but being so wet and playing like that made me feel really sexy. I love the rain so much,
I love the look of my skin in the rain, I love my hair when its hanging round my face, soaking. Im sat here right now blogging in a soaking wet vest, dripping hair and droplets all over my shoulders, I feel ace....I feel fearless. I would never usually just stand in it alone, I would want to go walking in it with someone, because on my own I feel stupid, but not today.
So many simple things that have made the day good. but remember
Day 33 - What are you craving right now
I have to say, before I begin, I'm pretty impressed with myself for keeping this up. I know it has been in spits and spats, but I'm still going. I'm rubbish at sticking to anything, heck I started taking vitamins a couple of weeks ago as people were telling me that I will make myself ill, and even though I have them on the middle of the dining room table where I can see them millions of times a day, I still don't take them. I can be absolutely rubbish at times. I think I'll take one now, (all things considered I should take about 5, but it says one a day on the bottle, I don't mess with printed instructions). Well I'm back, I compromised and took 2.
Anyway, and to the question in hand, what am I craving right now, well I've just had a milkybar so I really do not want any food now at all. I know what I really really want though, a tummy tuck, I've been looking into it all morning, I've chosen a surgeon, now all I need to do is speak to dad about using some of my saves. Doing this would make me really happy, I know it's only skin, but I hate it so much if I thought I would live through I would hack it away myself. I'm an incredibly strong person (both physically and mentally surprisingly) but my stomach makes me weak, it ruins me, it ruins things, all I want to be is happy. Money, fame, glory, and material things are unimportant, I want nothing more than to be happy, so I just need to work up a few ounces of courage and speak to dad. I'll do it now, while I'm feeling strong, my resolve won't last all day.
Over and out, moi
Anyway, and to the question in hand, what am I craving right now, well I've just had a milkybar so I really do not want any food now at all. I know what I really really want though, a tummy tuck, I've been looking into it all morning, I've chosen a surgeon, now all I need to do is speak to dad about using some of my saves. Doing this would make me really happy, I know it's only skin, but I hate it so much if I thought I would live through I would hack it away myself. I'm an incredibly strong person (both physically and mentally surprisingly) but my stomach makes me weak, it ruins me, it ruins things, all I want to be is happy. Money, fame, glory, and material things are unimportant, I want nothing more than to be happy, so I just need to work up a few ounces of courage and speak to dad. I'll do it now, while I'm feeling strong, my resolve won't last all day.
Over and out, moi
Sunday, 31 July 2011
awww
actually, I think this is amazing(I need to stop reading this damn girls blog, its making me all weird). I think I tick alot of this list, and I think everyone who happens across this should take note.
I'm sure it's really something to do with me, I want to cry, but my tears are to precious....maybe the book is right, and he just wasn't/isn't that in to me
Day 32 - A photo you took
This....is me. I had fun this weekend at the tutti fruitti festival. It was great to dance to old rock music, try on lots of vintage wear and just generally be silly with my bud. These aren't my sunnies, they were for sale in the vintage shop, and they were silly, so naturally, I had to put them on and be equally silly. Sunnies can hide alot........
Oh, and I follow some girls blog who always writes, or finds beautiful things, and this is what I read today, I love it, and it fits me. I never used to be who I am now, the last few years of my life have changed me so much. So many people have said to me, yeah you look different, but you're still the same person. Not really, yeah, I've always been kind, considerate, friendly and abit daft, but past that, I'm completely different. But alot of things have happened to me in the last few years to change me, Even I wouldn't recognise me now, if old me met new me. I like the new me so much more.
I don't know who's quote this is mind...I may have added a few lines myself
Saturday, 30 July 2011
today.....
I am going to be fearless, its all I need to be. And myself of course, and no-one is better at doing it than me.
Day 31- whatever tickles your fancy
To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change. fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s fearless to stop believing them. It’s fearless to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright…that’s fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless.
~Taylor Swift
~Taylor Swift
Thursday, 28 July 2011
just because, and poss day 30.....see how it goes
Well, I'm feeling odd right now, like the deflated feeling after waiting for something big to happen. Like christmas for instance, which is the biggest day of the year and when its all over it feels like..."was it really all worth it". I feel like that, but it really hasn't been one of those days. I had the best day at the zoo, I mean, I can't say I get particularly excited about doing cutouts, but the silhouette for the "meet the lemurs" was cute to do, I always always no matter what I am doing enjoy my days at the zoo, but the highlight had to be meeting the sealions, it was the most awesome thing I have got to do to date, I did a few training things, and give Anya (I think) it was a good stroke (they feel really weird), and then got an extra special treat which I'm not allowed to say. It was fabulous anyway.
Then mum and dave came round to drop off my dress and talk me through the ins and outs of the salon, as I start work there on tues as marketing/manager/receptionist/kick everyones arse into gear and stop the staff taking the mick person. wow, exhaustive, it's basically a business that really needs someone to go in and turn it around, and I am really logically minded, straightforward and honest which makes me a good candidate, I am the nicest person in the world, but I really don't take crap off people. Plus I'm probably the only one with enough pennies in the bank to stand the poor wage until it actually starts making a profit. To be honest though, money aside, I look forward to the challenge, if I can turn this business around, I can turn any around. Life to me really isn't about money, if I have enough to get by, I'm happy, if I need more, I'll make more some other way, I have always always landed on my feet, and I am very resourceful, so I am confident that I will be fine.
Hmm, day 30, it's write a letter to the friendliest person you knew for one day. I really can't think of anyone, I know loads of friendly people, but generally know them for more than one day. The only person I can think of is the guy who helped me out when I was trying to get back from manchester about 6 weeks ago. I'd bought my ticket online, but nowhere online did it tell me that I could only pick up my ticket from piccadilly, and stopping at a mates just out of manc, victoria was easiest so I was dropped off there. After some rudeness from the ticket lady, I got on a tram to piccadilly, had no idea where I was going (geography is my weakest subject) and some guy helped me, and chatted to me untill I got to my platform, which was really sweet. It's funny as something about him at the time just....I dunno, kinda made me feel like I had met the man of my dreams, there was just something about him you know, kinda like in the movies where people meet someone amazing somewhere random, like that. But when he walked away, he didn't once look back, so, obviously....it was just me. Well I believe that things like that really happen, and when you know love, truly, it tears through every fiber of your being and you just know. I cant say it was love at first sight, ha, it wasn't, but it was something, and at abit of a low point for me, it was enough. So a guess a letter to him would be
Dear Gentleman who helped me that day
Thankyou very much for being kind, and helpful and friendly, you have no idea how much I appreciated it, and just thanks for being there, as that feeling I had for you for that day, restored a little hope and life in someone a little bit broken.
Emer
wow, abit deep for me, where did that come from
Hmm, day 30, it's write a letter to the friendliest person you knew for one day. I really can't think of anyone, I know loads of friendly people, but generally know them for more than one day. The only person I can think of is the guy who helped me out when I was trying to get back from manchester about 6 weeks ago. I'd bought my ticket online, but nowhere online did it tell me that I could only pick up my ticket from piccadilly, and stopping at a mates just out of manc, victoria was easiest so I was dropped off there. After some rudeness from the ticket lady, I got on a tram to piccadilly, had no idea where I was going (geography is my weakest subject) and some guy helped me, and chatted to me untill I got to my platform, which was really sweet. It's funny as something about him at the time just....I dunno, kinda made me feel like I had met the man of my dreams, there was just something about him you know, kinda like in the movies where people meet someone amazing somewhere random, like that. But when he walked away, he didn't once look back, so, obviously....it was just me. Well I believe that things like that really happen, and when you know love, truly, it tears through every fiber of your being and you just know. I cant say it was love at first sight, ha, it wasn't, but it was something, and at abit of a low point for me, it was enough. So a guess a letter to him would be
Dear Gentleman who helped me that day
Thankyou very much for being kind, and helpful and friendly, you have no idea how much I appreciated it, and just thanks for being there, as that feeling I had for you for that day, restored a little hope and life in someone a little bit broken.
Emer
wow, abit deep for me, where did that come from
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