Hello Nana,
My god do I miss you.
Even though I have been in your house so many times since you have passed I still can't believe you have gone, I can just imagine that you are sat on the computer all quiet playing a game while we chat in the lounge, like we did. I know life moves on, but its heartbreaking for me watching your house change, that house was built for you, it pretty much grew around you, the whole family grew around you. It's different now...
Sometimes I can see that almost laugh expression that you made, and my stomach lurches and I feel sick, I will never see that again, it still reduces me to tears. It's funny how that is the main way I remember you, I guess it's a cheerful memory, it was always an expression you pulled when you had said some something cheeky, it was great, I think I have even started to mimic you, I catch myself doing it every now and then.
I don't believe in God, or heaven, or any kind of afterlife, but I like to think that you could see us, at least in the weeks just after you passed, sitting round the coffin telling stories, just like we did with grandad. You looked so peaceful, but so small, so so small. At least we filled your coffin with lots of things, I can imagine you were heavy to carry on the day, not because of you, but because of everything we sent you away with. Even a little bit of me went with you, and mum, so a little bit of us will be with you always. I have my little bit of you with me, I keep it safe, I always will. I have one of your pinnys by the way, and one of your dresses, I will wear it one day, I just wish you could see me in it, and I hope I do it justice.
Jasper is doing fine, he lives with Steven now, we decided it was best, as there he would get the most love and attention, he even has a rabbit to play with. Graham wanted to take him, but sat in the shop all day would be no life for him, and at the time mum just didn't think she could give him the attention he deserved. She has her own dog now, Jackson, he's a jackadoodle, cute as anything, stupid bundle of bumbling curly fur. Oh and she's having to have a hysterectomy by the way, I'm not sure whether you knew, I think she hid her problems once we knew you had cancer.
I feel like theres so much I need to tell you, you've only been gone since march, I have graduated, not greatly, but with honours. I have a job, and a new boyfriend (one that doesn't faff, you'd like him much more I'm sure). I keep myself fit, and my nails clean, I take so much more pride in myself lately. I've done a ton more drawings that I can't show you, and a bunch of fab things at the zoo.
Mainly I just want to tell you I love you, It was the last thing I ever said to you before you died, I know you knew I was there, you saw me for a brief moment, I burst into tears on my way out your room, as I knew that was the last time I'd see you alive, my words broke as I said them, but I know you heard me. I do love you Nana, a massive hole has been left in the family now. I wish you were here. I know life goes on, but it will never be the same.
Emer
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